When Elon Musk forked $44 billion —  a sum more than the GDP of multiple countries — internet and venture pundits awaited an epic disaster. Musk took steps to cut costs, raising hell for employees and shittifying Twitter with lowered moderation. Multiple research papers soon popped up, documenting the spike of abusive and hateful discourse on the bird app.

But hey, isn’t that the case with almost every social platform? Everywhere, brain-dead idiots high on spoonfuls of the “hate soup” make life difficult for the rest of us who scroll social media for a friendly catch-up, stupid dancing cats, booty thirst-trap pics, and topical rabbit holes of Illuminati tattoo art.

But barely a few had anticipated the poo-storm that would gloriously incarnate out of the Twitter Blue subscription drama. If you haven’t been following Twitter — which is good, seriously — Musk famously ended the system of blue check verification. So far, Twitter used to award a blue tick mark to accounts that were high-profile or sources of credible information. For Musk, it was a “bullshit” system of “lords & peasants.”

Image of an Elon Musk tweet on a laptop
Elon Musk trying to change the word, one shitpost at a time!

In his view, everyone should have a blue check. Why? Because who doesn’t want to hear a random account with a username like @MilfLord69420 claiming that the Earth was triangular and floating on a pink cosmic dragon’s ass?

In the not-too-distant past, when you saw that blue tick with a checkmark, it stood out for trust, truth, and reliability. Now, @MilfLord69420 has it because he paid the $8 monthly fee. So far, so good. If someone like @MilfLord69420 desperately wants the social media clout that comes with a verified checkmark and is willing to pay for it, who am I to complain?

But that's not the only mind-bending social media sorcery at play here. There's something called the algorithm favor. Twitter will show your tweets more prominently to others if your account is verified, aka you have paid the $8 fee to the billionaire rocket-man.

So, let me put it this way – the chances of you seeing an unhinged shitpost from @MilfHunter69420 are higher than a scientist, actor, athlete, or journalist appearing on your feed. Sounds bad, already? There's more!

A blue bird lying sick

Actually, the new owner of Twitter truly, desperately wants you to pay him $8 each month. Such is the billionaire’s thirst that he took away the blue tick of trusted accounts that were verified before he took the throne as CEO, telling everyone that you NEED to pay or lose that blue mark.

The removal happened on 4/20 (weed joke, duh). A ton of well-known personalities and even media outlets made it pretty clear — WE WON’T PAY SHIT! Journalists, writers, actors, scientists, institutes, and athletes all across the world lost their blue check.

So, if you see a verified account with a username like @BillGatesMicrosoft tweeting, “I fart in my bath tub and love my buttcheeks vibrating under water,” that’s NOT really him. Don’t get fooled by the blue verified mark on his profile. Remember, the blue tick no longer stands for truth and authenticity. Sorry to disappoint you, dear Musk fans, but that’s exactly the kind of hell the Tesla Man has unleashed. Suck it up!

Musk running away from blue birds

But then, something magical happened. Stephen King — author of bangers like The Shining, IT, and Pet Sematary — tweeted that he hasn’t paid Musk his $8 due, but his account was still verified. NBA legend and great-beard-haver LeBron James also made it clear that he hasn’t paid either. Musk soon confirmed that he was personally paying the Twitter Blue fee for James, King, and Star Trek alum William Shatner. Generous much, eh?

Remember, this is the same man who said Twitter’s old system of verifying accounts was random and bullshit. Now, he is randomly selecting and paying for people so that they stay verified. Alright, maybe he’s a huge fan of these three people and also happens to own Twitter, so let’s grant him that fan indulgence.

But barely a day later, a healthy bunch of accounts with over a million followers magically started getting the verified blue badge back. Even some with less than a million followers are seeing it return.

The blue badge of shame

By now, the blue tick has become a sign of shame. Not too long ago, Twitter users would struggle tooth and nail to get an account verified. Today, almost no one wants that badge because it’s now a paid commodity and lost its true meaning.

Celebrities dissing the Twitter Blue subscription
"I don't want that blue shit on me": Unnamed famous guy

Here is famed author Neil Gaiman telling the world that he hasn’t paid up. Grammy-award winner musician and twerking extraordinaire Lil Nas X isn’t a fan, either. Neither is footballer Riyad Mahrez. Even MIT, the world’s nerd capital, isn’t owning up to the dishonor of paying the Twitter Blue fee.

It’s funny that Musk laid off 2/3rd of Twitter employees to save costs and was hoping that selling the verified badge with Twitter Blue would revive the company financially. By the way, Musk has himself told employees that Twitter was now worth $20 billion only, half of what he originally paid to buy the company.

So much for genius business creds, eh?

And here’s the funniest part. Even dead celebrities like Michael Jackson, Fast & Furious star Paul Walker, Linkin Park legend Chester Bennington, Black Panther icon Chadwick Boseman, and NBA Hall of Famer Kobe Bryant all have a verified account. If you click on the blue checkmark of these accounts, a box pops up that says, “they are subscribed to Twitter Blue.

The dead are blue, too!

Official Twitter account of Michael Jackson
Looks like Musk doesn't want dollars from the dead. 

PayPal is available in the grave, too, it seems!

So, how are legacy verified accounts are randomly getting re-verified? No one knows. Looks like a hidden Lord is pulling the strings behind the curtains. What are the criteria for a free blue tick these days? Lord knows. No pun intended, of course!

What about social media “peasants” like us? Well, here's my word of advice. Don’t blindly trust every tweet from an account with a blue checkmark. Check if a tweet from the @TomCruiseActor account is true by taking a look at the number of followers. The real one has 6.9 million followers, just in case you’re curious.

Sycophants wet-dreaming of Musk being humanity’s savior continue to justify the Twitter Blue system like absolutely ignorant idiots in the meanwhile. To them, it's worthwhile paying $8 to a billionaire and having a vanity blue check than feeding a hungry human being. On top of that, Musk likes (literally) such bollocks from his online boot-lickers.  

Today, idiots with $8 in their pocket have a blue tick and are trying to impersonate the mayor of your city. Thanks to this paid verification apocalypse, every time you see a tweet from a blue check account, you have to verify the number of followers and see the past tweets, too, just to confirm.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Twitter had a system, like a color label, to confirm that the account REALLY belongs to an important person? Oh, wait. Twitter had just that, with its blue check system. Lord Musk just blew like it to smithereens and left all of us “peasants” vulnerable to a bajillion scams!

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