Twitter is dead. It’s all X now, and it wants to do everything!

Twitter – the overwhelmingly toxic, occasionally funny, and at times, barely uplifting social media platform – is dead. The official @Twitter brand destination is is now painful blank slate. All that remains is X.

The official online locality will see you at your trolling best on @X. The parent company is now X Corp. The blue bird logo is gone, and its place has been taken by a new "X" logo, which almost certainly has been inspired (aka plagiarised) from a font repository.

Users are going batshit crazy over the new brand identity. "What do we call tweets now?" is the all-pervasive online question online, as if humanity has solved problems like cancer, world hunger, and colonised a distant planet.

Xpressions? TwiX? What about videos posted on Twitter? Do we now call them X videos or Xvids? What about other legacy deeds like retweets and quote-tweets? Here are some dumb ideas:

What on Lord's Green  Earth is X?

As the tale goes, Elon Musk created a payments company called X.com over two decades ago. It then merged with another company and led to the formation of PayPal, the global financial tech giant. Once there, Musk butted heads over the name, operating system, and a whole bunch other things.

In the words of his own biographer Walter Isaacson, the billionaire has a deep fascination with the letter X. The hot-headed Musk soon left PayPal to explore other opportunities, eventually pioneering the formation of companies like Tesla and SpaceX.

But like an obsessed ex, Musk could never get over X. In 2017, Musk purchased the X.com domain. Half a decade later, he spent $44 billion to buy Twitter. Back then, he said Twitter is an accelerant to creating the imaginary X.

The core idea, however, is to turn X (nee Twitter) into an everything app. Just like China's WeChat. A messaging app at its core, WeChat slowly blossomed into a social site of its own.

But then, the developers went batshit crazy. At the moment, WeChat allows everything from mobile payments, ticket booking, and fixing a doctor's appointment to online shopping and hailing a cab. Heck, it also has a feature that lets you file for a divorce.

X will become everything Twitter never was.

Musk – and X's CEO Linda Yaccarino – have confirmed that X has a future far beyond its status as the global online town square. Soon, it will become a payment platform. It will have its own creator economy. It will be a publishing website. It will turn into a job portal. Phew!

Already into an everything future

Twitter, which started as a microblogging platform, originally allowed users to express their thoughts in just 140 characters. Imaging ranting vapidly in that character limit. I'd lose my collective shit, for one.

Soon, more features like video sharing arrived. But Twitter continued to stick to its roots. Then came Musk, who turned the place upside down with absurd rules and sent a few million users packing to other places. In a word, he fucked Twitter's soul.

But while at it, Musk had started making changes that were slowly turning Twitter into X, the everything app. For example, he increased the video limit to 2 hours. Internet-addicted hell-raisers promptly uploaded full-length copies of pirated movies, essentially spitting right in the face of every single Hollywood copyright law in existence.

Next, Musk started courting social media titans like Mr. Beast, promising that he will pay content creators wads of cold hard cash as fat as as YouTube, Instagram, or TikTok. While that is yet to happen, X has already started paying creators hundreds to thousands of dollars for ads that appear in the comments section of their posts.

If you are a Twitter Blue subscriber, you will soon be able to publish full length Articles, complete with images and videos between the walls of text. Articles (or Xarticles) will have their own dedicated section on the platform, just like regular posts. In a nutshell, X wants to be a blog, too.

Borrowing a page from OnlyFan's playbooks, there are plans to let users post paywalled videos, which can only be viewed after paying the sticker price. By the way, X already serves features like subscriptions to see exclusive posts.

There's also a tipping system so that you can give a few dollars to your favourite shitposter if you feel generous. The next statge is online payments – crypto or otherwise. It won't be easy though.

Musk has already driven Twitter's brand value to the ground, with some analysts claiming that the platform is now less than one-fifth of its original $44 billion worth. Then comes the part about convincing millions of users across the world to trust their financial future in the hands of Musk.

But all that takes the backseat in the face of an immediate crisis. Users are pissed with Musk's recent decisions that have dramatically worsened their online experience on the social site. Will they remain long enough on X for Musk to realize his X dreams? Only time will tell!

Until then, relish this beautiful tribute: